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Out of tuna: Kuntzman, DiMiceli discuss fish theft, ironing, and how to get an affordable apartment on Brooklyn Paper Radio!

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Brooklyn Paper Radio

Who stole Gersh Kuntzman’s tuna?

The legendary Daily News columnist took to Brooklyn Paper Radio on Thursday to reveal that one of his coworkers had swiped “two fairly expensive tuna steaks” from an office freezer, where Kuntzman had stashed them, no doubt to prepare at some later date for a lady friend.

“Who steals tuna?” Kuntzman asked of his Brooklyn Paper Radio co-host Vince DiMiceli.

“I don’t know,” DiMiceli replied. “Someone who loves tuna?”

But Kuntzman got his revenge, telling listeners that he’d sent his News coworkers the ultimate passive-aggressive inter-office memo, which he read on-air: “It’s particularly distressing to me because both steaks were tainted with botulism,” Kuntzman said. “I had put them in the freezer so that they could easily be shipped for testing at a lab. If you took them, I sincerely hope you didn’t eat them! If you got sick, I’m really sorry. I probably should have labeled the samples better.

That said, it’s probably best not to take stuff that doesn’t belong to you out of the fridge.”

DiMiceli offered his own momentous food news of the day, recounting how he nearly choked on a pear — twice! — in the same car ride from his native Staten Island to his office in Downtown Brooklyn (aka America’s Downtown).

“The same pear? That’s a killer pear,” Kuntzman said, asking why DiMiceli continued to eat said fruit even after it tried to kill him once.

“I had to show the pear who’s boss,” DiMiceli said.

Joining the dynamic duo on the show was Brooklyn “iron” man James Hook, who continues to press shirts, blouses, pants, and other items of clothing at bars all over the borough. On Tuesday, his “Greenpoint Gratitude Tour” continues at Pete’s Candy Store — part of Hook’s efforts to create a true union of men and women dedicated to public ironing.

“In 50 years, people are going to be so used to going to a bar and getting a beer and a shirt ironed that they won’t even remember what it was like before,” said Hook, head of the burgeoning North Brooklyn Ironers Union.

Hook, Kuntzman and DiMiceli also shared their New Years resolutions, with Kuntzman vowing to “fight societal inhibition and small-minded guilt” in hopes that his fellow humans will “pursue all the earthly pleasures due to them as life forms at the zenith of evolution.”

And, yes, he confirmed, he was talking about the bedroom.

DiMiceli said he had no resolutions because he has nothing to change. “I’m just going to continue being awesome,” he said.

In one sad note, Councilman Brad Lander (D–Park Slope) failed to call in at the appointed time to talk about — what else? — Donald Trump. Lander was scheduled to talk about his effort to find a new communications director to “resist the threats of the Trump regime to American democratic values and vulnerable constituen­cies.”

Kuntzman had previously announced his intention of landing the plum position, which could explain why Lander failed to call.

“Maybe I’m deluding myself,” admitted Kuntzman, whom a quick Google search would reveal that he has posed naked for an art class, simulated masturbation in a $25-million apartment and aroused himself with caffeine suppositories. “I’m probably not cut out for public service.

Also on the show, Brooklyn Paper deputy editor Max Jaeger discusses how he enter into a lottery — and won — a so-called “affordable” housing unit in Greenpoint, which only cost him $500 or $600 more than he had been paying at his place near the Battery Tunnel (journalists, it seems, are not good at math).

Hear it all right now on Brooklyn Paper Radio!

Brooklyn Paper radio is recorded and podcast live every Thursday at 4:45 pm — for your convenience — from our studio in America’s Downtown and can be found, as always, right here on BrooklynPaper.com, on iTunes, on Mixlr, and of course, on Stitcher.

Updated 10:17 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

John from Lutheran Hospital says:
Ok. I took the tuna.

The hospital will be done pumping my stomach by the 12th
Jan. 7, 2017, 4:27 pm

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