I’m madder than the Heat Miser from those old Santa Claus movies when his barber sued him for burning his hands over the fact that this winter has been the worst on record since I started keeping track shortly after my sainted mother brought me into this world kicking and screaming — which is how I intend to go out!
Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been a big fan of global warming since I heard I could spend my weekends spraying my “Aqua-Net” into the atmosphere to raise the temperature in February enough degrees to keep me warm, only to later learn that all I was doing was making the air smell great.
So it should come as no surprise to you that each summer when it’s too hot and I consider taking this here global warming seriously, the winter comes and I’m stuck freezing on the street while once again waiting for the Access-A-Ride to pick me up when it was supposed to — instead of an hour and a half after that!
And then, when it finally comes, I get stuck inside freezing and starving because the knucklehead driver decides to take me on a four-hour tour of Staten Island from end to end instead of getting me home in time for dinner with my lovely wife Sharon!
It is no wonder I consider this the worst winter ever.
Of course, I blame Vice-President Al Gore for all of this for promising years ago that the earth was in fact getting warmer — and then not delivering on that promise! Is Bensonhurst not part of this “globe?”
And here I am shivering as I type because of it, and because of the fact that Old Man Winter has done a number on the boiler at the great Harway Terrace, and the heat for me and 2,000 others ain’t coming up!
Speaking of worst things ever, remember that time me and a few of my Brooklyn pals headed down to Washington to listen to then-Vice-President Gore speak about something I couldn’t hear because my stomach was rumbling so much because the cheapskate didn’t buy us breakfast! We didn’t even get a lousy cup of coffee after 200 constituents drove 200 miles to hear him speak. Don’t believe me? Just ask Jack Spatola. He’ll tell you. It’s all true!
And you know when you can tell a politician is lying? When he is moving his lips! Or her lips if that be the case.
Thankfully, during these cold times, there is one sure-fire way to keep you blood pumping — my free ballroom dance lessons! And even though my lessons were canceled by Presidential Decree during President’s Week when schools are rightfully closed, no bad weather can stop my dance students from braving the elements in order to learn to cha cha cha! My freezing dozen took a cue from the Post Office motto, and neither rain nor snow nor dead of winter stays these dirty dancers from learning their appointed rounds! It’s too bad Access-A-Ride can’t be as devoted to its riders!
Sorry I digressed so much — in taking you for a tour of the world, I almost forgot about the 2,000 people freezing during this worst winter ever. If you recall the freezing bitter cold, you knew that whatever city services were functioning weren’t readily available. I learned from the Zenith in the living room that the citywide and Northeast-wide blizzards made each meteorologists working inside the studio the happiest campers you ever wanted to see. Meanwhile, their counterparts outside had to be pitied — no matter how much money they accrued. The question is, was the frostbite worth it?
That brings us to the last, most exciting part of the column, when I once again announce for the first time BWECC!’s 54th Annual Award’s dinner, which some these days are calling the 2015 Carmine Awards (eat your heart out, Oscar!).
Those of you wishing to join us at the gala will see some of my dance students tripping the light fantastic — another reason to go!
So if you want to come, e-mail bwecc
And as Katherine Murray used to say during the 1950s, if you want to have a little fun in your life, try dancing. The lessons are free — all I require is that you can count to eight.
You can do that, right?
Screech at you next week!