It’s over! Carmine’s column canceled, replacement sought

The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Hawkeye Pierce when B.J. Honeycutt refused to say goodbye over the fact that my column will no longer appear on even though I am nowhere near jumping the shark, and now my poor readers — and that means you, sir — will be left out in the lurch!

Look, you all know that for the past five years or so I’ve garnered huge Nielsen ratings as the number-one draw on every Sunday morning, when millions of Brooklynites sit down with their cup of coffee, bagel, and laptop and read about all the terrible and great things that happen in Bensonhurst while you were away.

But for some reason — call it stupidity — my editor now thinks its time for the paper to move in a different direction — one that is decidedly Screecher-less.

Now I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Carmine, do you mean to tell us that we’ll have to somehow go on without your sage guidance, sending us down a infinite spiral that will invariably end with us lost somewhere in New Jersey or — worse — Staten Island?”

Well, the short answer is “No,” because as I’ve stated before my ironclad contract with Courier Life Publication states that stack of columns I’ve pre-written and have stored in my safe behind the portrait of my sainted mother will be printed for up to five years after my death, which I and my doctor can assure you isn’t coming anytime soon, based on my latest blood work.

But nowhere in the contract signed in said blood does it state that the words I work so hard to get on paper must appear on The Brooklyn Paper website, which apparently uses no paper at all, despite its lying moniker.

Still, I wasn’t going to go down without I fight, so I enacted the santa clause in my contract that allows me to pick my own replacement — even though you’ll still be able to read me on every Saturday! Nobody messes with Carmine, Carmine does the messing!

So who will it be? Who will boldly go where only Carmine has gone before?

Will it be Jim from Cobble Hill (if that really is your name!), who hates my column so much that he has to read me every week just so he can offer up his latest snide — and virtually anonymous — comments? He keeps saying Brooklyn can do better, but is he willing to step up to the plate?

Or what about John Wasserman — if that really is your name — who can’t wait to read my column every week along with the photographs written by my pal Bill Roundy?

Or how about Gary Buiso, a former editor of mine who now writes for the Post and falsely claims to have given me my voice?

Or maybe some weird mash-up of Wasserman and Buiso? Say Gary Wasserman?

Look, the fact is, if you want to be the next Carmine, you’ve got to get past me, and that means sending in your best column that you’d like to see published every Sunday in this very place.

And you’ll have to be willing to work for less then they pay me, which is saying something because it ain’t that much.

You can send you entry in a vanilla envelope to:

Replace Carmine Contest

The Brooklyn Paper

1 Metrotech Center North, 10th Floor

Brooklyn, NY 11201

Or, if you’re cheap like me and don’t want to waste a stamp, e-mail it to “

And to keep people motivated, I’ll keep writing in this space until we find a replacement.

So for now, screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on until we find something better. E-mail him at
Updated 10:17 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Pics or it didn't happen.
March 29, 2015, 8:33 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
oh hey, I know who could replace "Carmie" here... that supporter he had who would always make homophobic, misogynistic, and racist comments to try to defend him! That's about par for his generation.
March 29, 2015, 8:56 am
old time brooklyn from slope says:
..... homophobic, misogynistic, and racist comments to try to defend him! That's about par for his generation.

look in the mirror jim
March 29, 2015, 10:03 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
No, I'm not the generation that was ok with Segregation, and I'm not as old as Methuselah. The most important part is that if I had a column with unmoderated comments on the internet (why would anyone?), I would have publicly denounced that racist and homophobic idiot who tried to defend the author by disparaging others. Carmine here simply chose to ignore it and pretend like it never happened. I got screengrabs of every awful thing that was said in defense of this fat dipwad by another dipwad (or maybe it was Carmine himself, we'll never know). I don't make homophobic, misogynistic, or racist comments. Look them all up.
March 29, 2015, 10:36 am
old time brooklyn from slope says:
lol - funny - i guess the girls are banging down you door - you make horrible comment constantly -i personally do not give a hoot about such comments ..... they are often correct.
March 29, 2015, 11:36 am
Jimmy from Flatbush says:
There is absolutely no reason this column can't be replaced before next Sunday. None. (With anything)
March 29, 2015, 5:34 pm
Mike from Williamsburg says:
Oh my christ I hope it's John Wasserman, if he doesn't mind me saying so.
March 29, 2015, 7:22 pm
Mike from Williamsburg says:
I hate everything on God's green earth except John Lewis being in Congress and John Wasserman.
March 29, 2015, 7:23 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Wan Josserman can bite it. He begs too much pardon. I am sick of having to pardon him. Always needing pardon for something and asking if we mind if he says something. I always mind how much pardon he needs. He should no longer be pardoned or excused.
March 29, 2015, 9:14 pm
John Wasserman from Prospect Heights says:
I beg your pardon, Jim? This is just my opinion, but when was your last visit to the doctor? There is an herbal tea that can help with what I imagine to be your major malfunction.
First things first, if you don't mind:
Before I accept this new job, there are many questions I have. The first question being "You characters actually paid this Carmine fellow money?"
I mean know offense, as I have found myself slightly enjoying the column (sometimes)((while under heavy sedation)), but, and you'll have to pardon my saying this-I'm very surprised this is/was a paying "job".
More on this later, but I will say I am willing to talk.
John Wasserman
March 30, 2015, 11:40 am
Peter Engel from downtown Brooklyn says:
Best thing Brooklyn Paper has done in years is making that awful Screecher noise go away. Even his departure is totally classless.

Don't let the door hit your posterior, and buh-bye!
March 30, 2015, 12:02 pm
John Wasserman from Prospect Heights says:
Oh my gosh (pardon the language)..."NO"....not "KNOW".
Sorry, folks. I've switched back to Sanka.
John Wasserman
March 30, 2015, 12:29 pm
Vince DiMiceli (Brooklyn Paper) says:
Anyone interested in replacing Carmine can e-mail me at "".

And, yes, we do pay Carmine, and his replacement will also be paid something.
March 30, 2015, 2:19 pm
Me from Bay Ridge says:
Numbers, we need numbers.
March 31, 2015, 6:13 am

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