I’m madder than the first caveman artist who was blasted by the first caveman critic over the fact that too many of my reviews are written by knuckleheads that don’t know a good thing when it hits them in the eyeballs!
Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been doing this job diligently since before most of my critics — those wisenheimer commentators that think they know what they are talking about but clearly do not based on my years of receiving accolades and deflecting condemnations — were even born.
So I was ecstatic this week when I finally got a ringing endorsement from one of my contemporaries — and one of the only writers out there from whom I’m willing to take advice from — the one and only Gay Talese.
That’s right, Gay Talese! They guy that wrote some of the most compelling stories of the 1960s and 1970s and today. The practitioner of the “New Journalism” of which I am so closely attuned. The man who clearly has been reading my column since the day the New Yorker bought him a computer so he would stop sending in stories — as I still do — that were typed on a Smith-Corona!
Don’t believe me? Well here is what the man himself told one of my fellow journalists — my pal Max Jaegermeister — after he read my classic prose “Carmine Santa Maria has hunger pangs,” an ode to Talese’s classic prose “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold.”
And I quote: “Dear Mr. Jaeger: Thanks for your fine piece in the Bay Ridge Courier, and also it was nice meeting you in person last night. I can’t speak for Frank Sinatra, but I think he would (as I did) enjoy the tribute in The Brooklyn Paper authored by the one and only Carmine Santa Maria [emphasis added]. Keep in touch and good luck, Gay Talese.”
That’s right, folks. The seal of approval from Gay Talese.
And that’s all I ever needed to shake of what the haters are saying behind my back. What’s the old saying? Haters going to hate, hate, hate, baby. I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, Shake it off! Shake it off!
Take that “Go Back from Whence You Came”!
Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that Mr. Talese would be such a big fan. He is well aware of the fact that writing a weekly column is no small task — and putting this one together is just like giving birth with just a six-day gestation period. All my columns are my little babies, and, while I’m prouder than some more than others, I like to point out a couple that you should re-read when you have an hour or 12. I can tell you the best part about these are the comments on the bottom.
Take, for instance, my column where I demanded that readers buy American! It was so good, it prompted one reader to comment: “Only Carmine can take a good message like this, but make me want to buy exclusively Chinese-made products.” Talk about getting action!
Then there was a time when I received accolades for my attack on Mayor Bloomberger. One reader said I nailed it, claiming “Carmine always penetrates Bloomberg’s money armor for we non-billionaires.” But another, less-smart reader got it wrong, claiming “Carmine sucks.” Ha! Tell that to Gay Talese!
Then, of course, there was the time I got attacked for complaining my grandkids spend too much time on their iPadPhones and not enough time wishing me a happy birthday when one commentator stood up for me, screeching that I was the columnist readers loved to hate: “He is the Howard Cosell of community journalism.”
That’s right! I’m just telling it like it is! Just like Gay Talese!
Now’s the point in the column where I stop the narrative and switch gears to wish my readers a Happy Thanksgiving, brought to you by PC Richard and Sons, which isn’t open on said holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, with a special thanks to PC Richards, who doesn’t open so as to allow his employees to be with their families and a great big thanks to Macy’s for its spectacular parade, which I’ve never been too, as I am not being brave enough to whether the weather.
How about all of those thousands of parade participants from all the marching bands, giant balloon handlers, show biz performers, and my absolute favorites the Rockettes!
Wanna know what my secret wish is? It’s to be Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade and give my Tornado a break.
Watch out for all those Black Friday sales and especially, be on guard against identity thieves wherever you are.
Extend our love to you and your family and above all stock up on Brioschi!
Screech at you next week!