I’m madder than a three-legged dog in a potato sack race over the fact that the lot of you don’t understand that the ol’Screecher isn’t just about hootin’ and hollerin’ about the problems in this world and that the fact is I actually have an excellent sense of humor even if none of you don’t get my jokes.
Look, you all know that just because you don’t understand my humor doesn’t mean that I’m not funny. In fact, I keep my lovely wife Sharon, who happens to be a blond, in stitches day after day with gems like this one here I heard on the interweb thanks to my pals Ed and Theresa:
On a bitterly cold winter morning, a husband and his blond wife were listening to the radio during breakfast when they heard the announcer say, “We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” So the good wife got the car and parked it where the announcer said.
A week later while they were once again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.”
The good wife got the car and moved it again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”
Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
Now that’s a knee-slapper anyone could understand.
But maybe not some people. Apparently, there is a group out there that doesn’t understand most medical terms, but uses this to its benefit by living stress-free lives. Apparently, these people are called “Rednecks.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds vaguely inappropriate and mostly politically incorrect, so I choose to run it and hope it makes you bust a gut.
So, without further adieu, here’s a list of “redneck medical definitions” I found in the iCloud.
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when patients die
Benign: What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Colic: A sheep dog
Coma: A punctuation mark
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker than some one else
Fibula: A small lie
Impotent: Distinguished well known
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrates: Rates of pay for working late. Normally more pay than working days
Node: I knew it
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place to do upholstery
Rectum: Nearly killed him
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: One plus one more
Urine: Opposite of “You’re out”
I hope you enjoyed these, like I did, but you gotta read each one to chuckle.
Screech at you next week!