I’m madder than Herb Stempel after he “lost” to that hack Van Buren over the fact that the latest quiz show debacle proves that I can’t trust what I see on television, especially when it is told to me by that other hack Alex Tieback.
Look, you all know that I’ve had problems with this particular game show host before when the company he was hootin’ and hollerin’ about on the Zenith wouldn’t insure my precious life because I am old, a tinge overweight, and I refuse to move to New Jersey.
So you can imagine just how upset I was when poor little Thomas Hurley III was disqualified by that Canadian because he spelled the correct question wrong during Final Jeopardy when we all know for a fact that he got the answer right!
I nearly fell off Tornado!
My lovely wife Sharon had to talk me down as I screamed at the television, demanding the re-count that would hand that kid the cash and prizes he so rightly deserved. And to think, now, because of Traback, all he gets is a lousy copy of the home game! I won’t stand for it!
Since when did Jeopardy become a spelling bee? Last I checked, they never ask anyone to spell the questions during the lightening round. All the contestants have to do is spit it out, and that smart Alex gets to tell them if they are right or wrong, based on the answers (or questions?) he has on a card in front of him — where they are probably spelled foe-net-ick-lee.
And who made him jury and executioner, anyway? I mean, couldn’t they have just broke for a commercial and had the so-called “judges” — who I am sure are getting paid top-dollar to just sit around on their hands — get together and make the right decision instead of leaving it up to a guy who I haven’t recognized since he shaved his moustache?
And what’s with all this stuff about phrasing your answer in the form of a question, anyway? Seems to me if Alex is giving them the answers shouldn’t they all win?
Well, I’ll tell you one thing: old Pat Sajak would never have made the same mistake, because that guy makes sure the Wheel of Fortune never spins out of control and slices off the legs of contestants — which I fear will happen every time someone spins it so hard it goes around four or five times. Everytime that things spins it’s like watching a train wreck!
Thankfully, Sajak keeps things in order, and that’s why I still have Betamax tapes of his late-night talk show that I watch promptly at 11:30 each and every night, thank you very much.
As always, I have the answer that will solve this problem and get Trey Hurley the cash award he deserves: have Alex the bazillionaire pay him his rightful winnings out of his own pocket.
That will teach that not-so-know-it-all to make assumptions based on spelling.
Screech at you next week!Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com, where it always has a great headline. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.