Stan empties his wallet and learns a little about himself

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“What’s in your wallet?” I seem to hear that question every time I flip on the TV.

OK. So I asked myself to look and pare down the always-widening leather in my pocket. There’s my driver’s license, my carry permit, and three credit cards. Then, in the next compartment, there’s my Triple-A card, my Walgreen’s card, two library cards (one current and one that expired almost three years ago), and the business cards of seven restaurants.

I don’t remember the last time we dined in any of them.

There, on the back of one of those cards, are the numbers R37 L23 R9. That looks like the numbers to open a combination lock. What lock? Where? I haven’t the foggiest. Should I save it?

A pair of ticket stubs to a Mets game at Shea Stadium. Now why am I saving them? Was it a rained out game? Do the stubs have any value? Beats me.

There are also the business cards of two politicians, one exterminator, one men’s clothing store, and four lawyers. Oops. Make that five.

That last one has a note from an attorney asking me to call him. I have no excuse to do that, so I will wait until the next Jewish holiday and wish him happiness and good health.

On the subject of health, I found two health insurance cards, my Medicare card and, of course, the all-important Costco card. While on a tour bus in Mexico we were stopped by the local policia who demanded everyone show a photo ID. I must have recently shopped at Costco because it was on top of the few cards I pulled out. “That’s good,” he said as he looked at my photo and handed it back to me.

The idiot on my right saw what happened and couldn’t stop giggling. He finally stopped when I gave him a dirty look. The last thing I needed in Mexico was for some fool to call attention to me in front of the cops.

Moving on I find nine various slips of paper with telephone numbers on them, not all in my handwriting. Some had the first names above the numbers and, for the life of me, I don’t remember who any of them are. Nor do I know how long I’ve been carrying them around.

In the large section there’s some money, postage stamps, and dollar-off coupons for toothpaste. These coupons expired in April of 2012. Yup. It really is time to clean out the garbage.

Then there’s something that looks like either a shopping list or a recipe. Or maybe a shopping list for a recipe. In that same end in the corner folded sections I found eight notes that I scribbled to myself that began with “Col.” Those were thoughts that I intended to use in future columns. I don’t remember what they were about and when I intended to use them.

There are also several credit card receipts dated more than three years ago.

I am not a fan of Alec Baldwin, but today I was very happy to hear him ask, “What’s in your wallet?” I am with a wallet that is half the thickness it was an hour ago.

Read Stan Gershbein's column every Monday on
Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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