I’m madder than Ralph Kramden when Alice wanted a new television over the fact that some of us live with shopoholics that are so sly, we risk a heart attack every time we open up our MasterCharge bill every month — not to mention our Diner’s Club and BankAmeriCard.
Look, I’ve told you before that the ol’Screecher has the shortest arms and deepest pockets in all of Bensonhurst, and you all know that my lovely wife Sharon can ring up bills that put a dent in the piles of cash I have stuffed into a mattress under the floorboards in the attic — and that’s why it’s important that I get the most bang for my buck when I’m looking for the necessities of life such as chocolate, candy, ice cream, Tootsie Rolls, fudge, and all the things that stick to my dentures.
So you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that I was in absolute heaven last week when I visited the grand opening of the new Bob’s Discount Furniture Store on Flatbush Avenue across from Kings Plaza, where I was treated to unlimited green tea, coffee, and all the aforementioned goodies I could eat — while my wife shopped for a new bed.
Now you all know that we’ve been to the Bob’s on Sunrise Highway on Long Island, so we already knew the place was going to be Tornado-friendly, and even will provide wheelchairs to the old and infirmed who don’t have wheels for legs to scoot around as yours truly does, and sure enough they had them at this very convenient location that I recommend every senior head to right now!
Look, where else can you find coffee, ice cream, cookies, and candies galore, free! And with those thousands of chairs and comfy recliners to sit in while you contemplate your purchase — and enjoy your tasty treats — it is as if you’ve died and gone to heaven.
And the staff is extremely helpful! The way they parted the furniture to help me maneuver through the maze of living and dining room accoutrements was akin to Moses parting the Red Sea, although I bet Moses didn’t have the smile on his face like the one the on the army of gracious hosts’.
Of course, my svelte and swift my bride of 44 years had no problem darting from area to area, like a bee gathering nectar from flower to flower. She looks, shops, touches, searches, and was in awe of the amazing bargains, while I’m thinking up things to write about so I can keep me out of debtor’s prisons!
It’s no big secret that when you’re married to a such a shopper with endless energy, you’re doomed! But as you travel the highway of life with your mate, you soon learn that rather than fight with her every time she wants to buy another article of apparel, you just tell her “Buy it, if you don’t like it bring it back!” Ah, the price of peace!
And she’ll do that, because she knows there is no more closet space for all she’s already purchased, which inevitably means another opportunity for a shopping spree.
So she’ll happily leave me in a spot where I’m not in the way, and hunker me down next to Bob’s Cafe, where she picked up two candies (one sugarless, to keep me in peak physical condition), a raisin oatmeal cinnamon cookie, and a Turkey Hill vanilla ice cream cup!
She left and I scrutinized all the goodies. It’s too bad I didn’t have my shopping bag that I usually hang around my trusty steed’s handle bars! So the Big Screecher gives a hearty welcome to Bob’s Discount Furniture, and reminds them to and keep those candy jars full, because I’m coming back!
The Screecher’s Pro Tip for Seniors: Plan your trip to go to Kings Plaza to shop for everything else, then arrange to get picked up across the street at Bob’s Discount Furniture, where you can relax, look around at the gorgeous furnishing, and then enjoy all of the goodies at Bob’s Cafe while you wait and wait for Access-A-Ride to pick you up!
Screech at you next week!
Bob’s Discount Furniture, [2520 Flatbush Ave. between Avenues U and V in Marine Park. (347) 425–8307].Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-mail him at email@example.com.