Carmine Santa Maria Screeches About Brooklyn

Carmine stands up for the little guy — in the big car

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Herbie the Love Bug when a traffic agent ticketed him for sleeping in front of a johnny pump instead of knocking on the window and asking him to move over the fact that the city uses drivers like a cash cow thanks to its exorbitant taxes, tolls, and — worst of all — parking tickets.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been using motorized equipment to get around since, well, before I ate too much to be able to walk on my own, and I’ve been paying the price for it since day one.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Carmine, you take Access-A-Ride every time you have to go shopping at the Staten Island Mall, and you never have to leave your trusty steed Tornado tied up outside when you teach your ballroom dancing classes because you’re always sitting right atop him. So why are you worried about what the city does to people who actually drive cars?”

Well, I’ll tell you why! Because I stick up for the little guy in a big car!

Take f’rinstance, a friend of mine who watched in horror as a traffic agent — is it all right to call them “meter men?” — ticketed a bunch of poor souls for parking in a “bus stop” on Harway Avenue in Bensonhurst.

Why was he horrified, you ask?

Because the busses weren’t even running yet (even though the B64 came back on Jan. 7, thanks to me!) — so can you get a ticket for parking in a bus stop if there aren’t any busses? Well, I guess you can, because that meter man was happily ticketing away!

Now earlier that afternoon Tornado and I were scooting up Harway Avenue to get to the Bank (which I spell in capital letters because it’s where I keep the money I don’t store in my mattress). A few blocks away I saw another meter man — who double-parked his car — giving another car a ticket.

Now, first of all, you hardly ever see a meter man on Harway Avenue because there are no meters, but this meter man was having a ball ticketing every car he could with his orange and white summonses for parking in these not-yet-being-used bus stops. For as far as I could see, every car had been touched by his handiwork.

I’ll tell you this, if I didn’t know any better I would have thought that this enthusiastic meter man was working on commission!

So I called my friend Eddie Mark, the chairman of Community Board 13, and told him what was happening. Now, being New Year’s Eve and being that it was after 5 pm, Eddie was at a party to celebrate the coming of this here 2013. But he said that they can contest the ticket by sending the flyer that says the B64 Bus starts on Jan. 6 (again, thanks to me).

Well, I searched the interweb for a flyer or for confirmation and couldn’t find any that existed, although I did find a schedule that is effective — you guessed it — Jan. 6. That’s why I’m writing this column to offer printed proof for those that need it. And since this column goes on the line Saturday on and Sunday on, friends can tell friends that it is available for printed proof by going on the line and printing it to that dot matrix printer over there.

Then you’ll be able to fight for what is right, just like my colleague and longtime friend Lou Powsner, who always fought any summons or injustice he encountered.

If you don’t do likewise, they win!

So put up a fight!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's screech every Saturday on E-mail him at
Posted 1:12 am, January 13, 2013
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Reasonable discourse

Dave from Park Slope says:
People who don't park illegally don't get tickets.
Jan. 13, 2013, 9:44 am
Carmine Scent Of My Anus from Brooklyn says:
Mama mia! What a pizza!

Forget about that!

Holy canolis!
Jan. 13, 2013, 9:46 am
Nick from Bushwick says:
Sounds like the meter man is first cousin to the health department schmo who ticketed that fireman in Far Rock for cooking food for the Sandy survivors without all the proper permits.

IT is time for a Democrat to become Mayor again and stop with this tax by any other name idiocy.
Jan. 13, 2013, 1:33 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Yet another suburban manifesto. CARS CARS CARS! That's what "Brooklyn" is all about, more CARS!
Jan. 13, 2013, 2:21 pm
D from Queens says:
If you have enough money to afford a car, you should also have enough brains to know not to park in a bus stop.
Jan. 13, 2013, 4:46 pm
mike from GP says:
"The little guy" does not own a car.

Some populism.
Jan. 14, 2013, 8:20 am
Bob from Hibbing says:
to live outside the law you must be honest
Jan. 14, 2013, 5:17 pm

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