Cucumbers are better for you than hot dogs

The Screecher gives you the numbers on cucumbers!

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than a kid in a candy store who doesn’t have a penny to his name because of the fact that I wouldn’t be as big as I am today had I just understood the value of a cucumber.

Look, you all know ol’ Carmine has put on a pound or a hundred during my life on this planet, but I’m here to tell you now that all that extra weight could have been avoided had I just ate a cucumber every time I got hungry.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Carmine, why are you writing a column about eating cucumbers? All that is going to do is get that guy on the Interweb to write terrible things about you in the comment field and you’re going to have to call your editor to have him take them down.

Well, I’ll tell you why: because it’s worth the risk!

Look, cucumbers are so much better for you and contain most of the vitamins you need every day — just one cucumber contains vitamin B1, vitamin B2, vitamin B3, vitamin B5, vitamin B6, folic acid, vitamin C, phosphorus, potassium, calcium, iron, magnesium, and zinc (That’s right! There’s metal in there!).

So if you feel tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda or cup of coffee and pick up a cucumber, which is also a good source of carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

And here’s one of those quick tricks you’ll like: are you fed up with your bathroom mirror fogging up after a hot shower? Well, cucumbers can solve that problem, too! Just rub a cucumber slice along the mirror, and — voila! — it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance. I happen to love the smell of cukes.

Hey! And what about those grubs and slugs that are ruining your planting beds? Well, you guessed it! Cucumbers can help get rid of those, too.

Just place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. See, the chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent that is undetectable to humans but drives garden pests crazy and makes them flee the area. How’s that for a neat trick and worth its worth in gold?

And now, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Carmine, how do you keep your more than 70-year-old skin looking so, well, skinny?”

Well, I said I’d never give it away, but here’s my beauty secret: I rub a slice or 22 of cucumber along my problem area for a few minutes.

The phytochemicals (that’s my big word of the week) in the cucumber cause the collagen in my skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles, too! I tell you, cucumbers are the wonder drug that keeps working wonders!

Oh, and you want to avoid a terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins, and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, and fending off that morning headache!

Now, if you’re looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge, do like I do: peel a cucumber. Yeah, I know the skin is always full of vitamins, but cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders, and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don’t have enough time to polish your shoes? Just rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that looks great and repels water!

Now, again, I know what you’re thinking: “Carmine, did you read all this on the Interweb?” Well, yes. And yeah, I know I warned you about believing everything you read after you log on to AOL, but in this case I will make an exception. Look, I love cucumbers and, to me, a salad isn’t a salad without them.

Oh, and speaking of discounts, remember that column I wrote about asking for one whenever you shop, if you happen to be of a certain age? Well, last week, me and my lovely wife Sharon went to a Chili’s over on the Rock, and after the check was presented, I asked the waitress “Do you give senior discounts?” She said “Yes,” and they gave us 10 percent off the check. So remember the Screecher’s motto “If you don’t ask, you don’t get!”

Oh, and eat those healthy, thinning, and full of tricks cucumbers. And let’s wish a happy birthday to my sister Susie, who is 92 this week!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's Big Screech every Saturday on Then, e-mail him at and tell him what you think!
Updated 5:34 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

Paula from Hey Ya'll says:
Fend off that morning headache? Is that common? Maybe it's all the other crap you ate and drank all day? Slicin' a cucumber on a double cheese Sicilian pie and calling it healthy doesn't cut the mustard Carmine.
July 15, 2012, 7:53 am
SkyRoller from WrightHair says:
"A pickle is a waste of a perfectly good cucumber."
SkyRoller 1987

Anyways, here's this week's BackGroundMusic:
July 15, 2012, 3:46 pm
K. from ArKady says:
1985 is on the phone, it wants Ed Anger back.
July 15, 2012, 8:06 pm
Z from Bay Ridge says:
"Yeah, I know the skin is always full of vitamins, but cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders, and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation."
how does this justify peeling the cucumber? Most of all the good things you mentioned about the cucumber is in the skin! By peeling it you rob yourself of those benefits.
Just wash, cut and munch away
July 16, 2012, 12:06 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
This needs to stop being a thing.
July 16, 2012, 12:13 pm
Real background from music says:
This is how most of us feel reading this:
July 17, 2012, 12:55 am

Comments closed.

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