Some fine sports headlines from the Onion

for The Brooklyn Paper
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Onion head writer Seth Reiss gave us his five favorite sports headlines from the world’s finest news source:

“Seeing Ken Griffey Jr. In Backwards Hat Now Just Depressing”

Why it’s funny: Like 1990s clothing styles, Junior was never the same after the turn of the century.

“Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down”

Why it’s funny: The recently retired O’Neal has allegedly spent his free-time writing Kobe Bryant hate-Tweets and not practicing free-throws.

“Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex”

Why it’s funny: If you don’t know why that’s funny, you really have no business calling yourself a fan of extra-marital sex.

“‘Space Jam’ Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals”

Why it’s funny: Larry Bird used to be in the NBA Finals. But he’s so boring that only Tweety Bird gets on the Jumbo-Tron (also, Celtics suck!).

“Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He’s Derek F—king Jeter”

Why it’s funny: Oh, by the way, he ended up hitting .297 on the season, so f—k you, too.

Updated 5:26 pm, July 9, 2018
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