I’m madder than a thoroughbred with shin splints over how badly Mayor Bloomberg is destroying this great city of ours — and I’m not talking just about his inability to keep snowstorms and hurricanes from burying us in different forms of H-two-O!
Look, I’ll tell you something as if you didn’t already know it — the first time I heard about this guy Bloomberg was when he bought my beloved WNEW radio station, which I listened to religiously on my old Westinghouse’s AM dial — which was the only dial it had!
And you probably already know the reason I remember it (but if you don’t, I’ll remind you!): the second he bought that station, he pulled Ol’ Blue Eyes from the radio waves!
That’s right! Both me and William B. Williams turned over in our graves (figuratively for me, of course; not so much for Willie B.) the day Bloomy bought the station and took away our daily dose of the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra!
Just thinking about that makes my blood boil!
And that was just the first misstep this self-made billionaire has made since moving to the Big Apple. You want more? Keep reading! Oh wait, you don’t? Then write some stupid comment below that I will have my editor delete!
For another thing, Baron Bloomberg apparently idolizes everything his Transportation Czar Janette Sadik-Khan inflicts upon us Brooklynites — and I when I say “us Brooklynites,” I’m talking about the people who made this city what it is today by driving in the air-conditioned comfort of cars — and not sweating like a pig while riding atop a little boy’s toy with two wheels and pedals.
See, Bloomberg is prioritizing bicycle paths and traffic-calming medians over more lanes and no-parking signs. Now, you all know I use the sidewalks like a speedway when I’m riding Tornado around the neighborhood. But that doesn’t mean I want to sit in traffic to get off my block when I am in my car because some chucklehead has put a neck-down on the corner — and the UPS truck can’t fit through!
And you know something else? Bloomberg is about to get his comeuppance because a new analysis by two Hunter College eggheads says the city should replace all those bike lanes that Bloomy has put in with ambulance lanes! You know why? To accommodate all those pedestrians being hit by bicyclists! Look, I don’t need to tell you that all these bicycles have wreaked havoc on this city — there have been something like 2,267 injuries in New York City in the past four years because of these maniacs! But who’s counting!
So what does the mayor do to solve this problem?
He puts four traffic babysitters on the Brooklyn and Williamsburg bridges to make sure cyclists stay within their anointed lanes!
You know what I think? The city should use those cops to catch criminals, and make those bicyclists walk their bikes over the bridge — just like the law says they have to do on our many drawbridges!
And speaking of bridges, why is it the mayor doesn’t mind if you pay twice as much to ride over the George Washington, Bayonne, and Goethels Bridges — along with the Outerbridge Crossing, as well as the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels?! Oh, wait. That’s right! It’s because he is out of touch!
Did you hear what Mayor Mike said about the toll increases on his weekly radio show? Well me and my old Westinghouse couldn’t believe our ears when he said “If you want them [the Port Authority, which, by the way, is an “it,” not a “them.” Hey, Mr. Mayor! Subject-object agreement is what separates us from dogs!] to provide services, they’re going to have to get the money from someplace.”
When he said that, I shut off the old Westinghouse and made a b-line to the my Victrola so I could control what I heard!
Meanwhile the Mayor always escape the turmoil he advocates by quick energy respites to his London Townhouses, Bermuda Mansion and, perhaps soon, a $20-million Georgian mansion in South Hampton, a 35-acre estate known as Ballyshear. The L.A. Times said “Indeed, the houses are Old World and lavish, in stark contrast to the sleek, glassy modernism of the headquarters of the company he founded, Bloomberg LP. The houses have plenty of space for the frequent parties Mr. Bloomberg gives for members of the social, business, cultural, academic or political circles that can help advance his agenda.”
Isn’t it nice — in these bleak, belt tightening, depression-like economic times — that somebody still has the ability to give frequent lavish parties!
I certainly don’t!
Screech at you next week!