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Carmine complains about having nothing to complain about

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Portnoy when he has nothing to complain about over the fact that I had such good time hanging out with my old buddies at my goomba Cookie’s 75th birthday, that I’ve got nothing to grouse about this week.

That’s right, I said it! I’m happy as a clam (even if I don’t understand that expression)!

Look, you all know that Cookie was the best man at my wedding — as I was at his. And I’ve told you before that he was my son’s godfather and I was his daughter’s (What can I say? It’s an Italian reciprocal thing.)

And you probably already know the backstory between me and my best buddy, but let me recount it again for all my new readers from across the world that are reading this without getting ink on their hands.

Cookie and I first met when we were at PS 130 in Manhattan, where we starred in a class play together.

And that’s it, end of story.

So, 67 years later we celebrated his 75th Birthday at Jimmy Hayes Steak House in Island Park on Strong Island.

Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll sat it again: nobody throws a 75th birthday party like Cookie’s lovely wife Johanna and his two daughters, Lisa and Eve.

The best part about it was they got the old gang together: Carmello, Susan, Paulie, Camille, Tommy, Lana — all the buddies that have kept in touch since we all lived in Little Italy.

And boy, have we moved on since those days in Manhattan.

Johanna and Cookie have settled in Florida; Tommy and Lana live in Pearl River; Paulie and Camille live in Ridgewood, New Jersey; Carmello and Susan have a home out in Merrick and Florida. But thanks to this supertechnology called “e-mail,” we are in constant touch daily — and we don’t even have to lick a stamp!

But I digress.

Look, I don’t need to tell you that this is the only time of year that me and Cookie are the same age. But I will anyway, because if I don’t, you might miss it. It only last three weeks, and after that, I become a year older.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you’re bad at math, but I’ll tell you this: The Screecher turns 76 on V-J Day, and I expect many birthday wishes sent to my e-mail, And I don’t need to remind you that you don’t have to lick a stamp to do it.

But I digress. Again. I tend to do that.

Oh, and by the way, this year isn’t just Cookie’s 75th birthday, but also Paulie and Camille’s 50th Anniversary, which we’ll celebrate with a black-tie affair on Sept. 10.

But let’s get to Cookie’s 75th birthday. It was held at the same great restaurant that Lisa and Frank were married at last year, so my mouth was salivating when I thought about tackling that filet mignon I remember so fondly.

Oh, I forgot to tell you: Lisa and Eve asked me to bring back a Capozzelli (lambs head with the eye intact) served during Caesars’ Night at Villa Roma. Cookie loved to eat them at the table, gobbling up its eye while everyone shrieked in horror. The Cappozelli was gift wrapped — and opened after the birthday cake was served, so no one would lose their appetite.

There were a lot of great things about this party — family and friends, delicious food, beautiful ambience in the party room — but the crème de la crème was having a vocalist sing Frank Sinatra favorites for four hours during the party. It was a classy touch because we all grew up listening to the “Chairman of the Board,” and every hit brought back memories from our dating and mating days.

Ah, it was a great 75th Birthday party and it was great seeing the old gang again. And the amazing thing is that even though we don’t see each other for months at a time, we continue with the conversations the next time we meet. To Camille and Paulie, and to my goomba Cookie, auguri di cento anni.

Now’s the point in my column where a throw in an inside joke that only my buddies will understand: Camille, get out of the car!

Screech at you next week!

Reader poll

How awesome is Carmine's column?

Updated 5:25 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

what from the says:
probably Carmine is related to the owners. no one else would allow carmine to embarrass the web-site
Aug. 14, 2011, 7:55 pm
interesting from fraud says:
interesting how people click NOT AWESOME AT ALL on the survey and the computer is rigger to claim you clicked Crazy Awesome.
Aug. 14, 2011, 7:58 pm
ty from pps says:
So, I guess you're not registering the "Not Awesome at all" votes. Awesome.

Please tell me no one gets paid to write this crap, right?
Aug. 14, 2011, 7:58 pm
beware of fraud from beware says:
When you click Not Awesome At All, the computer registers as if you clicked awesome. BEWARE. the Crap of this site is from carmine
Aug. 14, 2011, 8:02 pm
Quinn from Apeak says:
I'm voting this way:

Aug. 15, 2011, 12:34 am
Priscilla C from You know who this is Carmine! I gave you an autograph! says:
Why is everyone bashing Carmine? I find his column to be very entertaining. Maybe it's because you have to know Carmine personally to fully appreciate his writing. Jeez, you guys are so harsh!
Aug. 15, 2011, 12:48 am
Carmine is from NOT AWESOME says:
Priscilla C, is Carmine your father?
voting not awesome
Aug. 15, 2011, 6:32 am
nothing awesome from not awesome at all says:
not awesome.
Aug. 15, 2011, 6:36 am
Mike from Brooklyn says:
agree, not awesomee
Aug. 15, 2011, 10:44 am
Jim B. from Marine Park says:
I don't know about you complainers, but I love reading Carmine's "nonsense" articles. (No, I'm not a relative or personal friend). You guys have to "chill out" as they say. Maybe your shoes are too tight. Life is short - take time to smile once in a while. It's good for your health!
Aug. 15, 2011, 12:19 pm
Tanya from Dumbo says:
Jim B from Marine Park
How much is Carmine paying you
Aug. 15, 2011, 4:16 pm
very from sad says:
lol. not awesome
Aug. 15, 2011, 6:55 pm
keep voting people from park slope says:
Look, not awesome any more.
Aug. 16, 2011, 12:16 am
not from awesome says:
not awsome
Aug. 16, 2011, 6:14 am
ada from CH says:
Do you ever do any stories about Black people?
Aug. 16, 2011, 6:24 am
Priscilla C from You know who this is Carmine! I gave you an autograph! says:
No, Carmine is not my father. He's old enough to be my grandfather, but he isn't that either. I'm not related to him. Just know him from the neighborhood.

This column is supposed to be funny, and for those of us who know Carmine personally, we understand his sense of humor.

You guys are so mean. These columns are supposed to be entertaining. Laugh a little!
Aug. 19, 2011, 3:08 pm
Not Awesome Coalition from Brooklyn says:
We vote Not Awesome 127 times.
Aug. 20, 2011, 12:17 am

Comments closed.

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