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Mathletes fail crucial kickball test

The Brooklyn Paper
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Kickball’s top teams have solved the Mathletes.

The pocket protector-wielding squad dropped two games on Sunday to top-ranked John Cougar Mellencamps and third-ranked New Frontiersmen, who used the age-old formula: timely hitting + crisp fielding × veteran savvy = big wins.

After getting pummeled 9-2 by American Blood in the first game of the day, the Frontiersmen rallied in their second game to ace their test against the second-ranked Mathletes, 6–2.

“After we let [eight runs go in the first inning against American Blood], we played like gods,” said Frontiersman infielder Benny “Fast Hands” Thompson. “We’re better but we took too long to get in a rhythm.”

The Mellencamps jumped out to a 1-0 lead against the Mathletes in the first inning, but the Mathletes had the game tied, 2-2, by the bottom of the fifth.

Then the Mathletes’ defensive wheels came off.

Eight Mellencamps came to bat in the inning, tacking on four runs for a 6-2 final thanks to the tenacity of Andy “Shark Week” Lin and Brandon “Loveboat” Stricklett.

League Commissioner Kevin “Commish” Dailey said the Mathletes’ losses and the Frontiersmen’s split reaffirms that the Mellencamps are the best team in the league.

“The JCMS reaffirmed their first-place status,” said Dailey. “I think the Mathletes were exposed a little bit, as were the new Frontiersmen. I would never bet on the New Frontiersmen or the Mathletes in a high-stakes game.

But Mellencamps weren’t done — last year’s champions edged out a tenacious Brooklyn United in the final game of the night, 4-2.

The game was tied 2-2 into the fifth inning, when captain “Shirtles” Tom Dontprintmylastname walloped a single to right center that brought in the winnint two runs.

Other top teams were in action with similarly impressive victories.

The Pony Boys disrobed the People’s Court, overturning a five-run deficit scoring six runs in the fourth inning, en route to a 7-6 decision.

People’s Court secured two other dominant victories earlier in the day, adjudicating the Divine Sisterhood by 10 runs, and closing down the The Kickey Mouse Club by nine runs.

And Never Scared posted two of the most impressive offensive displays Sunday kicking in 16 runs over 10 innings, defeating both Space Cadets and Baywatch by 8-1 scores.

“If we play up to our potential we stand to make a good run in the playoffs,” said Never Scared’s “Hot” Karl Pawlewicz. “We just want to have three more weeks of fun before we have to get down to business.”

In other games, Brooklyn United defeated Baywatch, 8-1; Baywatch toasted the Bacon Bits, 3-2; and the Bacon Bits porked out Livin’ on a Prayer, 7-1.

Hot Mess split its games, losing to Booze on First, 4-1, before beating Victorious Vices, 7-5.

“It was our first time playing in sunshine in maybe two months,” said Hot Mess captain Randall “Tricky Dick” Mixon. “We had a great time. We brought our mothers — my mom assistant-managed for me on the first game.”

Brooklyn Kickball at Gilroy Field in McCarren Park (Bedford Avenue at N. 13th Street in Greenpoint), Sundays, 5–11 pm.

Updated 5:25 pm, July 9, 2018: Updated to remove any reference to "Shirtless" Tom's last name, which is actually Dontprintmylastname.
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