Debt, schmbt! I can’t take it anymore!

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than a kid with his fingers caught in the cookie jar before he even gets a crumb over all this hooey we’re hearing about the “debt ceiling” and how the country is going broke!

Every time I open a newspaper, watch the news, turn on the radio, or go on the Interweb, all I hear about is how the country is bankrupt and that the government is going to stop issuing Social Securities checks to guys like you and me that have earned every penny!

Well that’s a smart idea. And when I say “That’s a smart idea,” I mean “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!”

I’ll tell you right now that if I don’t have any money, neither does my butcher, and you all know that I pay that guy’s salary. And I tend to kick some money in over at the supermarket, too. And the bakeries — cannolis don’t grown on trees! So if you want to put everybody out of business, be my guest and don’t mail me that check.

You know, I thought Obama’s original idea was to circulate money to make money. Wasn’t that the basis of his plan?

Now, I hear that some clowns in Washington (and I use the term loosely) want to put a one percent tax on every bank transaction I make. If they do that, you won’t see me and trusty Tornardo making our daily sojourns to the ATM machine. No siree bub!

And I hear Obama wants to tax the rich and giant corporations to take in more coin. So he’s saying millionaires and billionaires can afford higher taxes? How dare he!

You know something else? All these big banks, which we bailed out, can’t be trusted. They’re more worried about the crazy amount of foreclosures they’re dealing with than helping the communities they serve! And that’s a fact.

We’ve given to the rich to save the poor, and they’ve happily taken, and given nothing back! Where’s Robin Hood when you need him!

You know something, maybe the answer to all this is to dig up Jesse James and Brookyn’s own Slick Willie Sutton to go back in business so we can get some of this money in our empty pockets!

Of course I’ve got all the answers. You wanna put America back on track? just follow the Screecher’s three-point plan:

• Stop sending jobs overseas: I remember a time when the dock was a place for high-paying jobs and allegories of McCarthyism, but now, it seems like the only thing we’re exporting is jobs! This has to end, Charlie!

• Fix our infrastructure: We’ve gotta replace our bridges, tunnels, sewers, waterworks, and the like, so we’ve gotta do like FDR did — and I’m not talking about fireside chats! I’m talking about 1935 and the Works Progress Administration and the Rural Electrification Administration.

• Other things that I can’t think of right now: There are probably hundreds of other things we can do that I can’t think of right now.

Look, much to the chagrin of my butcher, I’ll be going on vacation next week and the first thing I know I’m not going to do is read the newspapers or listen to the news on TV and radio. I got enough tsuris to worry about (That ain’t a typo! Look it up!).

But what I will do when I’m on vacation and feeling down is pop open my laptop and read some of the funny jokes I’ve saved on it.

Here’s one from my friend Maxine, who says she has the cure for any senior who’s worried he won’t have enough money to get into an old-age home.

Her ingenious advice: get yourself arrested!

In prison, you’ll get three squares a day, a roof over your head, central air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need a new hip? No problem! Glasses? They’ve got them for you, free of charge! And while we’re at it, let’s fix those teeth. Plus, your kids can come visit as often as they like, and you don’t even have to put up coffee!

And guess who’ll be paying for this life of luxury: the same government that said it can’t afford to put you in a home. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country, or what?

And then there’s that little knee-slapper about President Obama being awarded the “Walking Eagle” plaque by Native Americans.

If you haven’t heard it, let me tell. If you have, then I’ll screech at you next week.

President Obama was invited to address Native Americans in upstate New York.

He spoke for an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s standard of living. He was vague about the details, but spoke enthusiastically and eloquently.

At the conclusion of his speech, he was presented with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name — “Walking Eagle.”

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter then asked how the new name had been selected for the President.

It was explained to him that “Walking Eagle” represents a bird that is so full of it, it can no longer fly!

Screech at you next week!

Updated 5:25 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

Ken in Florida from Park Slope says:
Hey old geezer. I guess you don't know what it's like to be in jail--- three squares? Maybe in NYC, but not in Florida! They get one slice of bologna on white bread and maybe if theyre lucky some apple juice. That is what they get for lunch, for dinner try another bologna sandwich maybe some rice and beans. That's it!
Medical care, where? If you need an aspirin you need to have the money up front. Same for anything else. You take prescriptions---not in jail you don't! Only what they give you there is permitted. How do I know this? Because ten years ago I made the mistake of having a few beers before I came home. I got stopped, and they smelled it on my breath. I refused a breathyllizer. That mean't I got to go straight to jail! I was only there two days, but believe me it wasn't paradise. Not even a mattress to lay on. Just a hard plastic molded tray. Maybe not in NYC, but don't think your money is paying for that. Not in Florida.

Then why shouldn't the rich pay their fair share? I guess you would rather that we go back to what we had under Bush? Yeah we were so better off! Yeah, and I own the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll sell it to you for a hundred dollars. Hell, I'm probably older than you, you old fart!
Sept. 18, 2011, 12:27 pm

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