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Carmine’s on fire! Says Bloomie can’t close Coney’s hook and ladder

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I was hotter than Brooklyn Decker on a tanning bed over the mayor’s plan to close the most important firehouse in the city — you know, the one next to the police station house on West Eighth Street!

Now, the good news is that the firehouse — and others — have been saved. But I was in such a Burma Shave lather over even the prospects of the closure that I was still angry when I sat down to bang on the old Smith Corona. Look, it’s abundantly clear that His Lordship had no idea what he was doing when it cames to these firehouse — especially the one in Coney Island, which is surrounded by a bunch of sky-rises that, if one ever caught fire, would put the lives of tens of thousands of people in jeopardy. That’s why his maniacal plan simply could not go through.

If it did, it wouldn’t have been the first time that his dangerous ideas would hurt the people he says he serves — and we know it would not have been the last until he’s pushed out of office, and the Screecher says that day won’t come soon enough.

What he was doing made me so mad that I sat down with ink and papyrus the other day and came up with list of pros and cons of the mayor’s mayorship, and I could barely come up with any “pros!” Here’s a sampling:

Carmine’s list

• Con: He’s the mayor

• Pro: Term limits will force him out of office

You see!

Look, I’ll be the first to tell you that I am no rocket scientist. But it doesn’t take an bespectacled egghead to figure out that our mayor has been the best mayor the rich have ever had, and the worst for the poor and middle class. Now, he should get one of his high-priced bean counters and have him add up what there are more of in this city, the poor and middle class, or the rich. It’s probably a million to one in favor of the have-nots!

All I can say is, thank goodness for term limits — unless his team of high-priced, bespoke lawyers can figure out another way around that!

Now here’s the point in the column where I take a left turn without signaling. Wait I second. Is that signal on? Huh? I must have been writing with it on for the past 10 minutes. So maybe you saw this turn coming.

Look, I’ve got one word of advice for those of you who plan on attending some of the great parades we’ll have here in Brooklyn over the summer: wear sunscreen — and make sure it’s like SPF 1 million!

I say this, because after I attended this year’s Memorial Day parade in Bay Ridge, I was redder then Weiner after he accidentally sent that text. But unlike Weiner, this sunburn — on my knees, arms and forehead — just won’t go away.

Now, you all know my lovely wife Sharon warned me about going out without sunscreen on that sweltering day — but you also know how thick my head can be sometimes. Well, once again, she was right — and I’m writing about it.

But I didn’t let too much sun stop me from having a great time — and being a part of that day when we honored our veterans and armed forces was well worth it.

The Bay Ridge parade is the longest continuously run Memorial Day parade in the country, which made it the longest continuously run parade that the Screecher had never been to. So I knew that had to change. Especially since Bay Ridge is the sister to my neighborhood, Bensonhurst! And you all know I love my relatives!

So being a veteran, loving my family, and wanting to prove that this parade — which fought through budget cuts to ensure the show went on — was the best in the business, I called up Access-A-Ride to pick up Tornado and me and get us to Bay Ridge by 8:30 am.

Of course, I forgot to bring my hat, my electric fan to cool me and Tornado, and enough drinks to last until 3 pm. Fortunately, some friends at the parade, including Anthony Giovinco from Vinnie Gentile’s office and Mary Plancanica from Bill Colton’s office, where able to help me out in those areas. I even bought a hat from Mary, which spared the rest of my head from the scorching sun.

Now’s the point in the column where I mention the names of the people who helped make the day great.

Longtime friend and community activist Larry Morrish was this year’s grand marshal. Larry, who is a tireless worker, always there for the military.

And four members of the Ryan Family were deputy grand marshals, dad and Major General Herbert Ryan, who served in Korea for 33 years, and his three sons, Lt. Col Stephen Ryan; Maj. David Ryan; and Maj. Andrew Ryan who have all served in Iraq and Afghanistan. Obviously these are not army brats — but real live American heroes!

Scooting on Tornado in between the throngs gathering, I spotted a very tan Frank Naccarato, president of the Federation of Italian American Organizations, driving an absolutely gorgeous car that James Bond would have envied: a 1964 Corvette 327 Stingray. This immaculate light blue car was stopping traffic, and I wanted to ride alongside in my scooter carrying a sign, saying “That’s my other car!”

Frank was the envy of everyone at the parade, but he burst their bubbles when until he revealed that it didn’t have air conditioning or power windows. Still, I told Frank I’d like to borrow it this winter.

All told, it was great parade, a great crowd with great community spirit, and a great day! Maybe I’ll take another trip to Bay Ridge soon!

Screech at you next week!

Updated 5:24 pm, July 9, 2018
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