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Squirrels beware! Squirrel assassin could be targeting Marine Park

The Brooklyn Paper
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Squirrels that call Marine Park home better watch their curled, fluffy tails — an assassin that has them in the crosshairs may be on the loose!

A concerned resident sent a dispatch to this paper, claiming that a number of the furry critters have been found dead — and could be the victims of BB-gun shots to the head — on the southwestern side of the park near Stuart Street and Avenue T.

“I found no less than five squirrels, cruelly murdered,” the writer, who wished not to be named, told us. “Each bore exactly one catastrophic wound to the head and lay in a pool of its own blood.”

We checked out the corner a few days later — and found a dead squirrel.

But the deceased nut-hoarder we spotted didn’t appear to have been shot, and no autopsy was ordered. There were plenty of other “witnesses” — the park is teaming with the dead squirrel’s brothers and sisters — but no one was talking.

And human park visitors said they’ve seen nothing out of the ordinary.

“I haven’t seen anything like that,” said park-goer Stan, who routinely feeds the birds — and the squirrels — in the park. “I’m here every day and I haven’t seen any dead squirrels. I keep them well-fed.”

Stan said that if he had seen a number of murdered squirrels in the park, he would have called the cops. A group of youths working out near Stuart Street also said that they would report signs of squirrel carnage, but haven’t had to.

And no one has reported any squirrel murders to police.

“We haven’t heard anything about this,” said Captain Michael Deddo, the commanding officer of the 63rd Precinct. “Maybe you should call the Parks Department.”

So we did: and a Parks Department spokeswoman said she hadn’t heard about the squirrel massacre either, and warned that hunting is not allowed in the greenspace.

“It is illegal to kill or harm animals in parks,” the spokeswoman said. “If anyone sees this activity they should call 911.”

The avid park-goer who sparked this investigation agreed.

“I hope [people] will anonymously call police to stop attacks on the helpless and the innocent,” he wrote. “For those who don’t particularly care about animals, they should know that these lowly, pathetic, ugly, cowardly sadists will work their way up to human targets eventually. That should be a persuasive argument for people who only care about people.”

Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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