Arnold knows PR and, you guessed it, he’ll be back

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What better way to stage a comeback than to have a scandal? And what better kind of scandal than sex and a love child — with the maid! Aaahnold really knows how to stoke the star-making machinery.

The former governor of California, husband of a Kennedy, body builder and actor, horndog Arnold Schwarzenegger has given himself a boost in the “I’m back in business” like nobody’s business. After all, what he did wasn’t illegal, just morally wrong and in Hollywood, schtupping someone other than your wife (or husband) is de rigueur. In Tinseltown, if you’re not schtupping around, you’re in the wrong line of work.

No, Arnold just joined the very long list of cheaters, so he hasn’t reinvented the wheel. And even though he’s put his movie deals on hold, he’ll be back bigger and better than ever.

Now, as smart as Arnold may be (and I think he’s really, really smart), Mildred “Patty” Baeno, his baby mamma, is even smarter. What better way to hide blackmail profits than to pad it into a salary for the last 14 years? That’s pure genius, no matter how you look at it. In fact, if her greed didn’t get in the way, she could have sucked him dry for another 20 years and then some. Arnold seemed to be happy to pay her under the table to keep quiet.

However, the sordid tale unraveled becauseArnold had an epiphany: he needed to atone, Maria needed to know, so — here it comes — hasta la vista, Patty.

Of course, Patty didn’t want the gravy train to end, and who would? It was a great gig. How else can you have your cake, your cash, and your lover all at the same time. Talk about a golden parachute. So when the Terminator said “I won’t be back,” she wasn’t going down without a fight — or at least a picture on the cover of the tabloids.

Not for Nuthin™, but all is not bleak, and, I predict, after all the smoke clears, there will be a sunny outcome for all involved.

Arnold will go to sex rehab for his indiscretions, be cured, and then complete “Terminator 5,” which will be a blockbuster. Maria will write a book about Arnold’s indiscretions that will sit on the New York Times best seller list for years-. Later, it will be turned into a Lifetime made-for-cable movie. Patty will be offered her own reality show on MTV, “Jersey Shore Housekeepe­rs,” which will be bigger than “Jersey Shore.”

And as for Harold Camping, he’ll admit that it was all a hoax to boost the ratings on his radio show — and he’ll make millions.

Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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