Brooklyn United bunts and dashes to victory!

The Brooklyn Paper
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Top-ranked kickball team Brooklyn United steamrolled another rival Sunday with its 16th straight win, as it has cleared the way to a likely top seed in next month’s playoffs.

Brooklyn United corralled the seventh-ranked Lobos, 5-1, in the weekend’s marquee matchup and cured Kickball Fever, 10-0 behind a shutout pitching performance from Michele “The Refrigerator” Perry.

The Lobos, a trendy final four pick, got on the board early in the first inning behind a home run to center from all-star Neil “The Big Deal” Rabinowitz, but the team left two men stranded.

In the bottom of the inning, the Lobos unraveled with two errors by third-baseman Jesse “Error-Prone” Alexander, including one when he attempted to kick a ball to first base instead of throwing it.

That boneheaded move allowed Brooklyn United, led by Nate “My Little Pony” Parenti, to score three and caused a BU member to shout from his dugout, “Come on, Jesse, we don’t want a win like that!”

Both teams clamped down in the field for the rest of the game, but the Lobos failed to score again, as Brooklyn United is perhaps the best team in the league when playing with a lead.

Alexander said he and his team must improve its focus early in games if the Lobos are going to have a chance against the seemingly unstoppable men in black.

“If we’re going to beat them we need to be a little more solid in the field, as BU uses the legal, but cheesy, ‘bunt-and-dash’ technique,” said Alexander.

Alexander has a point, but in this league, smart baserunning wins games, while complaining about it loses them.

In other games, second-ranked Never Scared survived a close call, dismissing 11th-ranked Drinkers with a Kicking Problem, 9-7, in a tense, come-from-behind victory, and devoured Taco Taco Taco, 12-3, behind two home runs from Devin “Green” Vermeulen, and solid fielding from Socratis “One Truth” Mamalis.

The fourth-ranked Bacon Bits recorded two wins as it has turned its season around after a slow start. Last year’s champions, John Cougar Mellencamps, split its two games, losing horrifically to the lightly regarded Booze on First. But the team appears to be poised for the playoffs.

“We won the championship last year, so it is almost mission accomplish­ed,” said Mellencamp captain Paul “Look Through The” Kehoe.

Salute Your Jorts continued its late-season winning streak, taking down sixth-ranked Crucial Taunt last week, with a victory over Drinkers with a Kicking Problem on Sunday.

Jorts captain Joe “The Ginger” Vessell attributed his team’s streak to its successful repurposing of beat-up old jeans into jean shorts.

“In some ways, we’re a parody of teams like the New Frontiersmen and the John Cougar Mellencamps and hipsters,” said Vessell. “Basically we’re hipsters. We’re not trying to make fun of them.”

Meanwhile, the John Cougar Mellencamps hope to have a cardboard cutout of the iconic pop singer in right field by the time both teams play each other.

“We have to get one specially made,” said Kehoe. “Bad teams never kick to right field and our fielding is so good.”

Brooklyn Kickball at McCarren Park ball fields (Bedford Street at N. 14th Street), Sundays 1–11 pm.

Nobody covers Brooklyn Kickball like the Community Newspaper Group. Pick us up every week for all the runs, hits, errors and spilled beer from McCarren Park.

Updated 5:19 pm, July 9, 2018
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