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Cheap shot? John Cougar Mellencamps roll all over the competition (literally)

The Brooklyn Paper
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Fresh off a month-long furlough, the defending champion John Cougar Mellencamps returned with an impressive upset over the scrappy Lobos in a game that featured one of the most-debated plays in weeks.

The ninth-ranked Mellencamps edged the seventh-ranked Lobos, 3-2, on a controversial play in the fifth inning when a kicker steamrolled Lobos first baseman and League Commissioner Kevin “Commish” Dailey, allowing the savvy runner to score all the way from second base.

Lobos players, some of whom called the Mellencamps “Champs of Cheap Bullsh—,” were furious at the umpire’s non-call, arguing that the baserunner should not have advanced more than one base and that the play should have been called dead.

“What’s the point of me going out until 4 in the morning with my umpires if they’re just going to give me bulls— calls,” said Dailey after the game.

Mellencamps captain Paul “The Little Magician” Kehoe believed that the umpire made the right call and that “a lot of people fall down in kickball.”

“[Dailey] just sat there, he didn’t hustle to get the ball back to the pitcher while our player was bleeding from his ribs,” said Kehoe. “You could argue that the play could have been stopped or you could argue that you could get up faster.”

Mellencamp first baseman Elana “The Wolf” Luppino credited her teammates for the winning play, which was “concocted by two of the hottest, strongest, and fastest brothers you could ever know,” and that the team’s victory was based on “pure talent.”

But Lobos captain Neil “Wheelz” Rabinowitz said the absence of MVP candidate “Slick” Jesse Alexander was the reason behind his team’s offensive slump and that it squandered several late-inning opportunities.

“While it is disappointing it was the one run that cost us the truth is we didn’t get the job done with the feet,” said Rabinowitz. “When we are at full strength we will be a team to beat in the playoffs. All the teams we lost to this year were when either me or Jesse were absent.”

Both the Lobos and Mellencamps won their other games, with the Lobos subtracting the tenth-ranked Mathletes, 3-2, and the Mellencamps toppled eighth-ranked Majesty 5-3, taking the lead in the fifth inning, after playing from behind for most of the night.

In other games, Majesty mercy ruled the Wrecking Crew and sixth-ranked Crucial Taunt added its steady diet of victories with two shutout victories over Dolls Kicking Balls and Zeus’ Beard

But the third-ranked New Frontiersmen survived a scare, sweeping away the Mau Maus 3-2 with a speedy run in the bottom of the fifth inning after getting in an early 2-0 hole.

New Frontiersmen captain Mike “Dean” Altman said that aggressive base running and beating the Mau Mau’s slow throws were the keys to victory, even though the team’s rock, Matt “Marquis de” Sadewitz, was not playing at full strength.

“Also, I just got a new tattoo, so I didn’t want to exert myself and we were down a couple of key players due to injuries but we still managed to get out and win,” said Altman.

Updated 5:19 pm, July 9, 2018
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