BIG SCREECHER - New Year’s resolutions

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First and foremost, here’s wishing you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. And in keeping with tradition, here is my first New Year’s resolution -- to start my diet as soon as we’ve finished all the holiday goodies. After all, we shouldn’t waste food especially in this economy. As a matter of fact, I am still trying to finish some of the cookies I received last Christmas. My second resolution is to stop cursing all those friends who insist on sending Christmas cards with sparkle that eventually land on my clothes, floor, eyes and mouth. I hate those cards, no matter how pretty, and it takes me all year to find all that fell.

My third resolution is to stop charging. My fourth resolution is to immediately rescind the third resolution, no way can my wife and I live without charging, besides if we do stop charging…the economy will go into an even greater slump. Number five is to change my Cat’s water more frequently. Oh by the way, Cat is the name of my Siamese fighting fish (also known as Betta). He will be one year old by the time you read this. He’s a great pet. He’s a little stupid, but he’s quiet and easy to keep.

My sixth resolution is to stop hating know-it-all Joyce Behar on The View. My seventh resolution it to keep hating Bill Maher even more. Number eight. I will stop cursing the sponsors of those missing children that flash the kids picture a nano-second and spend the rest of their time telling you who they are. This message was brought by…By the time the commercial is over, I already forgot the kid’s face.

My last resolution is to stop forwarding e-mails that tell me to forward it to ten other people. Heeding my friend Louie the Lawyers advice ”Just consider what kind of person would sit down and compose an e-mail saying “if you send around this e-mail to everybody you know, you will be granted every wish and if you don’t, your eyes will fall out” when they know full well that absolutely nothing will happen. Well, that person is obviously psychotic. So, some psychotic a**hole, whom you have never met, prepares an e-mail with some nice graphics and tells you to send it around and your wishes will be granted. There is nothing special about the person who prepared the e-mail except that anyone who makes such e-mails must be extremely psychotic. Nevertheless, you follow the instructions of this psycho and pass around his/her e-mails, but you never receive any money and none of your wishes are granted (if anything, you have less money now than when you first passed around such an e-mail). Knowing this, you continue to follow the instructions of every other psycho who sends you a similar e-mail and you forward them on to everyone you know.” U no what? I’m 2 chicken 2 stop forwarding.

Screech at you next week!

Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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