NOT FOR NUTHIN’ - SSDD – Same Story, Different Day

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Tying the knot, jumping the broom, buying the cow or getting hitched — marriage by any other name is still a life sentence.

Our newly-minted Governor David Paterson wants to recognize out-of-state same-sex marriages in our state even though saying “I do” is illegal here if you’re Mister and Mister, or Mrs. and Mrs., or Ms. and Ms. ... you get the picture.

Well, Mr. Paterson, don’t get ahead of yourself. Some in the state capital are a bit upset at the thought of respecting a marriage between two men or two women. They don’t want the hard-earned entitlements to be offered to those who have legally married elsewhere and relocated here shared among those of the same sex. Why not? Who knows, pols don’t necessarily need a reason for their vetoes. But I can think of one or two scenarios.

First off, the people in this state need to be diverted. Diverted from what? Well the outrageous price of gas, the outrageous rate for electricity and the outrageous increase in the cost of food. What better way to take the heat off of our electeds’ neglect of the real issues than to have a futile war over who is marrying who (or is that whom)?

If we are all arguing over the state of marriage in our fair state, then who's gonna care about the state of our finances? We won’t need to fight those ever-increasing rates for water, gas, electricity and food if we have to battle the real menace of gay marriage.

If two people of the same sex really want to make their own bed, then I say let them lie in it too. And if they want to move into our state and pay the taxes and fees and deal with our political nonsense, then the least that we can do is respect their lifestyle choices.

Secondly, the right-wing conservatives here don’t like to talk about gay sexuality. No — the only kind of sexuality that routinely gets airtime among our elected officials is that good old-fashioned, conservative dose of infidelity: cheating on your spouse with a hooker or carrying on an illicit affair in another state. (At least Vito Fossella had the good graces to entangle his illicit affair with a splash of drunk driving.)

Balance the budget? Nah, let’s just debate the validity of same-sex marriage for the summer. If all goes according to plan, by the end of the summer we will all be applying for second mortgages just to fill up our tanks and pay for utilities, and the Food Network will have shows on 101 ways to prepare Spam — with nary a blink and a nod from our illustrious leaders.

Not for nuthin', but it looks like this summer season in our little hamlet is heating up nicely — it’s filled with all the gossip, sex and intrigue of a hot soap opera. Same sex couples receiving benefits, oh my, oh no.

Will the fate of same sex marriage be decided? Will Paterson divulge any more tidbits of his personal life? Will we care? Will Spitzer join with Fossella in a fidelity-management workshop? Will the budget be balanced? Who will the Democrats pick to run against John McCain? Will Indiana Jones survive the next nuclear explosion in a hot tub? Will Carrie and Big bite the bullet and tie the knot, and will the survivors of Oceanic Crash 815 finally find their missing island home?

Tune in this September for the scintillating conclusion — and turn off for the summer, because it's business as usual in Albany.

E-mail “Not for Nuthin’” at All letters become the property of Courier-Life Publications and are subject to publication unless otherwise specified; please include your name, address and daytime telephone number for verification.

Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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