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Brooklyn to Dick Cheney: Don’t shoot!

The Brooklyn Paper
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This columnist has such a deep and abiding respect for the office of Vice President, that he has resisted the temptation — succumbed to by so many of his colleagues — to lampoon the current occupant for shooting his friend in a hunting accident.

But I’m only human:

Hey did you hear that Vice President Cheney is now pushing a new constitutional amendment? Yeah, he wants to merge the Second and 21st amendments so he can always be guaranteed of his right to hunt and drink (ba-da-bing!).

What was the last thing Harry Whittington said before Cheney shot him? “By the way, Dick, do you have any idea when we’re going to get out of Iraq?” (Ba-da-bing!)

OK, so laughing at the birdshot-peppered Whittington’s expense isn’t journalistically sound. That’s why The Brooklyn Angle sought out the Brooklyn angle at the famed Bay Ridge Rod and Gun Club (motto: “A place to shoot”) and found plenty of people willing to make fun of the vice president for me.

First of all, several hunters were eager to inform Cheney of the Rules of Engagement, Brooklyn-style.

“First of all, you don’t shoot into the sun because you can’t see anything,” offered one shooter, who, when asked his name, merely showed off a Star of David around his neck and then told an off-color joke that involved Jews, guns and small animals.

“But Cheney shouldn’t have shot his best friend — he shoulda shot Bush’s best friend, that guy Bindar, because of that port deal.”

Necklace Man was quickly reminded that Prince Bindar is from Saudi Arabia while Dubai is the terror-connected country that will soon control American ports.

“Iceberg, Ginsberg, it’s all the same to me,” Necklace Man said.

You know he’s joking because the walls of the club, located under a shuttered moviehouse on Fort Hamilton Parkway, are covered with reminders that “the first rule is safety.”

Rule number two, Mr. Vice President, is “See rule number 1.”

One shooter did rise to Cheney’s defense, quickly turning the veep’s bad aim into a screaming monologue about President Clinton’s own errant shots on that famous blue dress.

But he was silenced by other hunters who were appalled that Cheney appears to be getting away with almost killing a guy. (He also seems to be getting away with the whole Iraq mess, hiding the names of the oil industry titans who write our energy bills, spying on his fellow Americans and, last but not least, being a bad cardio-vascular role model, but I digress.)

“You don’t drink and hunt — ever,” said a man named Anthony. “There is plenty of time to drink after the hunt.”

“Besides,” Necklace Man chimed in, “the only justification for shooting your friend is if he’s sleeping with your wife. That’s at least the rule in Brooklyn. By the way, I’m not authorized to speak to the media.”

Now he tells me. That guy had me at “Bindar.”



Gersh Kuntzman is the Editor of The Brooklyn Paper. E-mail Gersh at gkuntzman@cnglocal.com
Updated 4:00 pm, November 10, 2010
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