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Call her Smart Grandmom

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Move over, Smartmom. There’s a new mom on Seventh Avenue and she’s taking over your turf. And guess what? It’s Diaper Diva, your very own twin sister.

That’s right. Diaper Diva — and her incredibly well-dressed 2-year-old, Ducky — are finding their way in Mommyland, even taking over Smartmom’s bench at ConnMuffCo, and making mommyfriends at Music Together, Tots on the Go, and swim class at Eastern Athletic.

As a result, Smartmom is beginning to feel left out and a little old (even if she is actually two minutes younger than her twin sister).

Just the other day, Diaper Diva introduced Smartmom to one of her new friends. “This is my sister,” she told her friend. “She has a 9-year-old and a 15-year-old.”

“A 15-year-old!” exclaimed Bubbly Mom, Diaper Diva’s new mommyfriend. Like, how could anyone have a child THAT old?

Smartmom wanted to be offended, but she quickly noticed that every time she opened her mouth, she said something that reminded her of the know-it-all jaded parents she used to hate.

To another of Diaper Diva’s new mommyfriends, whose 2-year-old just got a chic new haircut, Smartmom blabbed:

“You’re lucky your kid still listens to you about his hair. My son only lets his friends cut his hair and it’s always in his face.”

Open mouth, insert Elephanten shoe. No mother of a 2-year-old wants to hear about the trials and tribulations of life with a teen. That’s too much information, thank you.

Diaper Diva smoothly steered that conversation back to toddlers. A discussion ensured about the comparative merits of Lolli’s versus Orange Blossom — two Park Slope stores that Smartmom never had when SHE was a young mommy!

Later, strolling down Seventh Avenue, Diaper Diva ran into three (count ’em, three) new friends on one block. In the same amount of time, Smartmom ran into no one. Nada. Not even one vaguely familiar face from the PS 321 PTA. In her heyday, her record was 10 friends per block from Third Street to Union.

In front of Joe’s Pizza (which will forever be known as Big Pizza Cafe), to true Slopers, Smartmom waited impatiently, while Diaper Diva chatted with yet another new friend. This one had just gotten word that her kid had been accepted into the Beth Elohim Early Childhood Center.

“What days?” Diaper Diva asked excitedly.

“Mondays and Tuesdays.”

“We’re in the same class!”

Smartmom wanted to say: Your kids are in the same class, not you. But she tried to be civil. She couldn’t think of anything to add to their sidewalk squeal: it’s been five years since the Oh So Feisty One was in pre-school. Smartmom was fairly certain they didn’t want to hear about the fourth grade city-wide tests.

Clearly, Diaper Diva is excited about everything having to do with Ducky — and the first experience in pre-school is one very big deal for both of them. Not since college do you make as many friends as quickly as when your kid starts pre-school. In the months to come, Diaper Diva will probably know more people in Park Slope than she ever imagined.

Maybe even more than Smartmom.

Lately, Smartmom is feeling threatened. She wonders if Diaper Diva will have time for her and her brood as her focus shifts to her own nuclear unit. After years of being the world’s most loving aunt and supportive sister, Diaper Diva is a mommy now.

Despite being identical twins, Smartmom and her sister have led different lives. Smartmom got married when she was 30, while Diaper Diva played the single scene for another 12 years.

Teen Spirit was born when Smartmom was 33, and Diaper Diva devoted herself full throttle to her career in the film business. She married when she was 42 and endured years of infertility. Ducky, who was adopted in Russia, arrived on U.S. soil on Diaper Diva’s 47th birthday (Smartmom’s birthday, too, because, remember, they’re twins).

So now it’s Diaper Diva turn: her adventures in Mommyland are just beginning just as Smartmom is on the verge of sending Teen Spirit to college (hopefully).

A few years later, OSFO will go. Then what? The empty nest? Retirement? Golf?

Not likely — and let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

While Smartmom is fretting about teenage sex, marijuana use and PSAT scores, Diaper Diva is trying to figure out how to assemble that ridiculously complicated Playmobil farm set that Ducky got on her second birthday.

But she figured it out (with OSFO’s help). Alas, Diaper Diva doesn’t really need Smartmom’s help anymore. Truth is, she’s way more efficient than Smartmom ever was and always remembers to bring a Tupperware container of Goldfish crackers to the playground AND a first aid kit.

She also knows all the songs on Dan Zanes’s “Rocket Ship Beach” by heart; she stares lovingly at Ducky like she’s the Second Coming; she thinks nothing of leaving her stroller blocking the baby wipes aisle at Met Food.

And now, she has no time to be Smartmom’s shoulder to cry on. Worse, the twin sisters can barely have a five-minute kvetchfest at ConnMuffCo without Diaper Diva running into a half-dozen mommy friends (and interrupting Smartmom’s monologue). Sigh.

But Smartmom should not despair as Diaper Diva makes her way as a parent and mommyfriend to half of Park Slope.

Eventually, when the chips are down, Diaper Diva will still rely on her almost-over-the-hill, slightly jaded sis every now and then. She will, right?

Louise Crawford, a Park Slope mom, also operates “Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn.”
Updated 4:00 pm, November 10, 2010
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